So one of my mothers died two weeks ago and we’d been on deathwatch for 3 weeks before that. It was impossible to go back home for many reasons so we kept going as best we could until it happened and then we were able to take some time (thank God for jobs with bereavement leave) and go celebrate her life in a way that she would hve appreciated.
So we took a trip to New Orleans and it was eye-opening and cathartic and amazing. And then we came home and reality descended on us again.
Mom’s ashes showed up in the mail and it was like we reset back to square one on the grief cycle. Dr. Hawking died after living for five decades with the same disease that took Mom in under one. Hopped forward two squares and then back three on the cycle.
So there’s a lot been going on. And it’s been exhausting in a way that didn’t leave a lot of time for anything that wasn’t focused on taking the next breath.
In coming back from the far place that grief takes you to, I’ve been nesting in some of my comfort fiction. So I’ve reread A Wrinkle In Time and the Fionavar Tapestry and several of my favorite longer fanfictions. Not all of them end happily, sometimes there’s a kind of comfort in just the space between spaces and a well-turned phrase in the mouth of a beloved character. Sometimes it’s a well-earned rest and a “You come too” that will never fail to make me cry. There’s a good cleanse in tears brought by a good book or fanfic.
I’ve also picked up and finished and re-read a poetry collection by Amanda Lovelace, titled “the princess saves herself in this one.” It’s raw and powerful and truthful in the kinds of ways that good poetry often is. I couldn’t put it down and then it was over too quickly so I started back at the first page. I would definitely recommend this to anyone (though mind the trigger warnings at the beginning of the book) who enjoys good poetry or the lightning effect of spoken truth to power briefly captured in verse.
So it’s been a bit of a time lately and I’m only just now really coming back to being. It’s a slow process and I’m impatient, so I have a tendency to run faster than I can actually handle and therefore set myself back further than where I had started.
So be kind and patient with yourselves. Treat yourselves gently, you’re worth it. And if you’d care to, leave a favorite comfort fic/book/album/show in the comments.